Being Busy

woman-1353803_640Business can be a ruse for avoiding feelings.

Business can be a unconscious ruse for avoiding feelings. Stephanie Dowrick wrote in Sunday Life on 13 December, 2015 that business has a dark side. It does. How often do you hear people say ‘I am so busy’ with a certain pride. It is almost as if they are saying ‘I am so important’; that I’m indispensable. Even if you are busy, and particularly so if it is at a time of your life when there is an awful lot to be fitted in, you can still find time to reflect on whether you are making the best and most sensible use of your time. Asking yourself whether what you are doing is really necessary: pleasing others instead of yourself, or dwelling on whether you are avoiding something, or that you are in a way addicted to the adrenalin of being on edge all the time as it is so compelling. There is something deeply alluring about being incredibly busy as you rush from one thing to the next and using it as a means of blocking out everything else.

Little time for relaxation

We know that there are times in everyone’s life when there is little time for relaxation. It is inevitable that you will be busy with vital aspects of life: making a living, taking care of your family, solving problems, studying, giving to others in the community, and living fully and meaningfully. When you are enjoying what you do and get satisfaction from it and you are in the ‘flow’ it is often not termed busy but being occupied or even absorbed. However there are times when the state of being busy is milked: given as an excuse or a reason for avoiding something; perhaps even as a suggestion of being special.

Filling a space.

It is also important to ask yourself whether you are filling a space so that you don’t have to feel too deeply. If you are busy you don’t have time to think or space to allow feelings to be dwelt on. All that discomfort can be avoided. This would not necessarily be conscious. It might just seem like anything else is impossible to contemplate or that there is no other way to manage all that has to be done; that there is no option but to live life in contemporary society as though every minute has to be busily filled with activity.

Doing something all the time.

It is hard to hear that you can make time to just be and not feel you have to be doing all the time. Being meaning noticing that you are fully alive and have time to notice what is happening in and around you. Giving yourself permission to pause and take note of your bodily sensations and indulge in the benefit of your senses being alive to take in what is happening and to rest your thinking part of your brain.



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Being Pleasing

Being pleasing

At first it might seem this piece is about how to be pleasing but it is really about how trying to please others all the time can be disadvantageous and counter productive. It places the onus on you to please others rather than yourself. In a relationship this can be a recipe for suppressed resentment and dissatisfaction. It can also lead to passive aggression: that is showing your unhappiness and discontentment in a roundabout and distorted way.

Early approval for selfless behaviour

If as a child your nurturing and pleasing attributes got more approval than all the other parts of yourself then it is understandable that you will attempt to maintain those behaviours that brought approval especially if it came hand in hand with feeling wanted. That comes as a cost though. Where are you and your needs in all the pleasing of your partner and others? Trying to make everyone else happy can be exhausting. It is surprising that those who do might feel shortchanged and discontented and experience sneaking feelings of ‘what about me’?

Is it fear of not being liked?

When pressed for an explanation of why it is important to please others rather than oneself, many will say ‘because you should’, and when pressed for naming who decides what ‘should’ be done, religion is quoted, or phrases like ‘it just is’, or ‘it is what I was told’ or just surprised looks implying: isn’t it obvious? Well no. Is it because you are afraid of not being liked? Do you think you are so important others can’t manage without your altruism? Who is going to look after you while you’re busy looking after everyone else?

“Begin as you mean to go on, and go on as you began” Quote by Charles Haddon Spurgeon

If you start off a relationship with bending over backwards to please a friend or your would be partner you are setting yourself up for long term disappointment. At what point do you intend to change and start asking for what you want? After the idealisation phase? After the wedding? When your resentment is so marked it can’t be ignored any more? Why not start off the way you want to continue?
That is ‘I’m happy to do this for you, but I also need to do this for me? It might save a lot of heartbreak and misunderstanding down the track.

Standing up for yourself

What makes you think that pleasing yourself precludes having loving and friendly relations with others? If you don’t stand up for yourself, get at least some of what you need to function effectively, feel that you receive as well as give, how are you going to live a balanced life? How are you going to experience satisfying relationships?

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Being Appreciative

Try to be more appreciative

Whether thinking about your own individual relationship life or yourself in a relationship it is possible to seek to be more appreciate in your relationships. It might even be possible to be grateful for what you do have and not to focus on what you don’t have. Furthermore preferable to look at the good, at what you like, rather than what you dislike or even loathe.

Not dismissing genuine feelings and distress

Not for a minute does your disappointment, distress, unhappiness, anger, pain, and all other feelings need to be dismissed – all those feelings and the rest of those that make up a human being deserve to be given attention – but they need to be put in perspective. I am not talking about people who are in the middle of a battle zone or in dire circumstances, perhaps suffering fresh and extreme grief, but rather the majority of us living ordinary lives.

While it might be satisfying to complain and gossip about your partner’s shortcomings – and why wouldn’t you want to be able to share your frustration with the right people – criticising and complaining to your partner at the expense of expressing gratitude and appreciation is asking for trouble. Again that does not mean not being able to express your unhappiness about something, but that being appreciative as well helps avoids the trap of always being critical and contemptuous.
Being consumed by your downheartedness is counterproductive and is such a waste of a very short life,

Gratitude is good

Is there anything to be grateful for in the relationships you have on your mind? Anything besides having someone to blame? If so is it worth pausing for a time and dwelling on the things you appreciate instead of always dwelling on all the things you are disappointed in? Arguably it is. Research indicates that people who are upbeat when appropriate tend to enjoy every part of their lives more, not just the relational parts.

What would stop you from saying to your partner ‘I love it when you do such and such”, ‘watching you cooking is a treat’, or ‘I really appreciate it when you listen and just let me talk”, ‘the hugs you give when I’m down make such a difference’ and ‘it is so helpful when you take the kids to school’

There is another reason for being appreciative instead of always down

As Dr Rick Hanson mentions in his article on How to Take in the Good ( you can overcome the negativity bias and choose to make your brain like velcro for the good things in your life. The more you stay in a negative pathway the deeper the pathway becomes – just like a ski track – and the harder it is to wipe it away. Thus the more you develop new pathways that focus on the good things in your life and those parts of your life you feel grateful for the more they can dominate in your waking hours. But you have to consciously seek that which is pleasant. It doesn’t come easily.

People say ‘but I can’t stop the negative thoughts coming’ and it is true you can’t. They come unbidden. However you can choose not to engage them, allow them to linger, or dominate the other thoughts and memories. You can interrupt them even if you know you have to come back to them at a time when you can give them measured attention. For example, on what to do about a pressing problem: that takes proper thinking. It need not dominate and spoil everything else. And that is up to you. The more you argue that you can’t stop them, avoid them or cope with them the more likely it is that you won’t. You just embed them deeper. You let them triumph. Not intentionally as it is difficult to switch long standing habits and practices. The brain is drawn to negative experiences and there is an evolutionary reason for that. Being attuned to negative experiences and therefore being alert to them happening again is important; we need to be prepared to avoid those situations that bring trouble. That makes sense. As Hanson says, ‘the brain is primed to go negative’.

Celebrating the light

But what is stopping you celebrating the light in your life? How can you acknowledge the people with whom you are intimately and even more distantly related who make you laugh, who offer words of wisdom, who are supportive in times of need, cook meals at opportune times, or give what and when they are able? What about all the facets of relationships that you do receive, rather than do not?

Imagine when lying down to sleep at night you conjure up pleasant times: moments when everyone around you was laughing: considerate moments with friends or family members, holidays when there was so much to enjoy, gestures of kindness

Being appreciative about the good things in your life and relationship is a choice and being constructive can be helpful.

Get proper help if you need it

If this isn’t possible, it might mean those aspects of your life that trouble you deeply have not been attended to sufficiently. It is very difficult to be upbeat and grateful when there is so much that has not been recognised, acknowledged, and empathised with. Explore what stops you from taking in the good.
There will be good reasons.

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Being Sad

girl and sadnessBeing Sad

It is natural and human to be sad and to grieve for those people, things, and stages we inevitably lose. So often sadness is met with dismissal or a sort of jollying along because others you tell don’t want to hear or bear it with you. It may be they just don’t know what to do or say. So they make comments designed to try and make you feel better but do the opposite: make you feel as though there is something wrong with you for having human feelings.

Resorting to medication

Worse still if you go the professional route – because you might be unaware of the range of your feelings – you might be offered a diagnosis of depression and an anti-depressant. So many general practitioners admit they have no time to think about a patient’s grief and sadness and feel they want or have to do something so they say, ‘take a pill’. It doesn’t really solve anything; it just suppresses the feelings which are bound to seep out at a later time.

Explore your feelings

It is important to be aware of all of your feelings and explore and talk about them. If you are in a relationship it is best to acknowledge how you are feeling and explain why you are angry or miserable. Don’t just suffer in silence or avoid one way or another the very stuff of being human.

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Relationship Red Flags You Should Watch Out For


There are several red flags that can occur early on in a relationship, which if not given adequate attention can lead to the undoing of a relationship. Some obvious red flags to name a few are lack of time, loss of intimacy, elevation of anger and increased conflict. These clear signs indicate that the relationship is strained, and therefore requires attention, nurturing, and healing. If you happen to be in this situation, relationship psychotherapy is an excellent solution to resolve relationship problems and restore the intimacy between you and your partner.

However, there may also be vague signs that your relationship is going down the wrong track that you may miss as red flags – ignoring them until such time that they are too big to miss and too complicated to manage. As such, it is far better to keep an eye on the smaller and earlier signals so that you don’t have to end up in   real trouble  to realise it is time to let go.

Paying close attention to these common pitfalls will most likely save you a lot of time, energy, and heartache. It is good to recognise what these red flags are so you don’t waste your precious time with people that are truly not meant for you. Take time to pause and contemplate your situation before you decide whether it will be wise to take your relationship to another level.

You don’t want to waste months or years of your dating life with the wrong partner. Here are 3 red flags you should watch out for in your intimate relationship:

Constant Communication with Previous Lover

Some people remain friends with their previous partners while some do not. Others have to keep their communication lines open or need some sort of relationship with an ex because of the children. But if your partner doesn’t have kids with their former lover, and yet the ex is still undeniably in the way, then ask yourself some serious questions: Why does your partner   continue to spend so much time with a former partner To what degree is he/she hanging around (phone calls, regular lunches, constant messaging)? Am I really the significant other or is it the other way around?

Honestly speaking, if your partner is really into you, they won’t have a great deal of time for a former flame. Even if your partner’s previous lover doesn’t worry you, and that is generally a health thing, this situation is still not something you should easily dismiss. If you think your partner is not ready to let go of their past relationship talk about it and be wise enough to move on.

The Relationship is One-Sided

A clear indication that your partner is not as invested in the relationship as you are is when they cannot make decisions or plans for your future. If you find yourself pulling them along in every decision, plan and action, it can be a sign that they are unwilling to share their life with you and commit. Its one thing to decide about what you want in a relationship, but it’s entirely another to be the only one doing it.

You are obviously in a lopsided love affair if for example you have introduced your partner to your friends, and yet you have only met one or two odd friends of theirs. If you have invited your new partner over to a special family event (not just once, but several times), and yet that person hasn’t introduced you to a single family member you might begin to wonder. Thus if you are sharing every part of your life, yet the other hardly, if ever, welcomes you into any facet of their life, it might be time to ask some important questions.

Although these signals are hard to see in the beginning of the relationship pay attention to the plans and goals of your partner. If it seems that your ambitions don’t match up or they aren’t that committed to your future, spare yourself the heartbreak, and have the courage to spend it with someone who will make you a priority in their life.

You Catch Them in Lies

Sometimes lust or infatuation results in overlooking instances of dishonesty in a new relationship, and because we are human, we might find it easy to excuse the odd lie. Sometimes we tell “white lies” to keep our partner from getting hurt, but if these white lies are used for the sole purpose of covering for shady behaviours, something is definitely not right and you should be on your guard

Instances of secrecy, reluctance to share the past, and lack of transparency about activities and contacts should be taken as a warning signal. Lies, no matter how trivial they are, are still lies. And more often than not, fabrications and untruths hint at something bigger around the corner. Also, even if these lies may not make you feel particularly threatened, it is still sensible to be aware and have a healthy suspicion Bear in mind the fact that honesty plays a huge role in the success of a relationship, so expect and demand the truth.

If the aforementioned red flags are present in your relationship and still you want the relationship to work, it will be wise to seek relationship advice from an expert. While none of these are absolute rules, they will be of great help in determining whether or not you and your partner can work together for long-term.

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How to Deal with Feelings of Jealousy?


Jealousy is human nature. It isn’t always a sign of weakness or insecurity, because more often than not, people feel jealous because they fear losing someone they love. While it does usually happen within a romantic relationship, it can also occur from time to time among siblings, family members, friends and even in professional relationships. A little dose of jealousy in a relationship is human and it is natural when you love and care for your partner; it hurts to see them turning away to someone else. So experiencing jealous feelings is quite common, rather it is when you act on those jealous feelings that trouble begins.  Allowing jealousy to creep into every corner of your life and permitting it to control your actions and behaviour, may turn a-once-happy partnership into a problematic one. It can ruin your relationship in the long run.

When you are jealous, you are more likely to focus only on the negative and interpret your partner’s behaviour as reflecting a loss of interest in you or a growing interest in another person. This in turn may cause you to worry that your partner will eventually reject you because he or she has already found someone whom you think is more likeable or more attractive than you. Even if you are in a really sound relationship, jealousy can confuse you and influence you in believing that your relationship is threatened; forming scenarios in your mind that are unlikely true. So instead of praising your partner for looking good, you accused him or her of getting dressed up to look appealing to someone else.

Dealing with feelings of jealousy isn’t always easy to handle, let alone to overcome. Take note, extreme jealousy is one of the biggest causes of a relationship’s downfall. So whenever you get jealous, try asking yourself what you can gain from it. Learning how to deal with jealousy effectively is important to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Take relationship advice from experts before your jealousy gets out of control. In the meantime, ponder on how you can get over your jealousy in a healthy way with these tips.

Bring awareness into the situation

Overcoming jealousy begins with awareness. When you become fully aware of what the situation is you will then be able to see that the scenarios your mind tries to imagine are not necessarily true. Understanding the real context of the situation can allow you to think clearly even though you are experiencing powerful feelings. When you have a clear mind, it will be easier for you to act rationally and accept the fact that the imaginings in your mind may be far from real; thus allowing you to process and deal with your  potentially destructive emotional reactions such as anger and jealousy.

If you allow yourself to be curious about what you are experiencing and wonder where such strong feelings come from it can give you time to allow yourself to    completely experience the feeling of jealousy. Instead of telling yourself that you are not jealous, allow yourself to fully feel the emotion. Addressing all feelings of jealousy straightaway, experiencing it wholly inside, and then thinking about how outside reality is different from your initial feelings will help you see how you can regain control over these negative emotions.

Assess yourself

If you continue to feel jealous despite being in a secure and solid relationship, it will most likely help if you try to examine yourself and delve deeper into your personal experiences. A study on the aspect of jealousy in a romantic relationship shows that a person’s level of attachment during their early years has a great impact on their jealous reactions. It indicates that people who were able to establish secure attachments between themselves and their caregivers in their early childhood stages are less likely to feel jealous and clingy, have a more solid sense of self, and stronger feelings of adequacy as opposed to those people with an insecure attachment style.

While it is impossible to go back and change your past, your attachment style is actually workable and can still be influenced with later experiences and circumstances. A competent psychotherapist, for example, can help you build your self-esteem and find ways to resolve your problems.

Manage your emotions healthfully

When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment to detach yourself from the intensity of the emotion. This does not necessarily mean avoiding the feeling completely, but rather giving yourself a time-off so you can pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Get a grip on yourself by taking slow, deep breaths several times, and if you think you have fully calmed yourself down, approach your partner and share your feelings with him or her.

Another good way of handling your feelings healthily is by writing down your thoughts. Not only does it provide you with an opportunity to express yourself, it also allows you to lay your options out clearly on paper. Writing all possible reasons on the paper as to why you are feeling jealous gives you a clearer version of the big picture, and helps you get valuable insight from your worries.

Seek an Expert’s Help

Again, it is normal to feel jealous, but if it seems that jealousy is starting to tear your relationship apart, you will have to take more decisive action besides the tips mentioned above. It will be wise to seek a counsellor to help you work through your feelings of jealousy as well as resolve relationship conflicts brought on by jealousy. Consulting a therapist can help you examine the underlying cause of the problem, the reasons why you continue to feel and act that way, and steps on how to effectively manage this destructive emotion.

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What to Ask Yourself before Ending Your Relationship

Yourself before Ending Your Relationship

We have all been there at some point or another – considering whether to end our relationship, or work it out in the hope that things will get better eventually. Making the decision to end a relationship could possibly be the hardest and scariest, yet the bravest thing you could do. While it is never going to be easy, do not allow fear to influence your decision. However, instead of ending it immediately, think deeply about what you really want. Calling quits on a relationship without allowing yourself some time to think through the situation may well end up meaning you l regret the decision later on.

It will be of great help to ask yourself a few searching and meaningful questions first before you make the final decision. A little contemplation on the matter at hand, and conversation with a trusted other can go a long way to help you make the right choice for your life.

Reflect on the questions below, and reassure yourself that you have tried everything to save the reltationship:

Does your partner bring out the best in you?

The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with should not only accept the beauty he or she sees in you, but also the ordinary human parts of you. Ask yourself whether you feel accepted as you are or is your partner expecting you to change to suit him or her. The right person will make you feel you are a worthwhile person. .

Instead of dragging you down and bringing out negative emotions and feelings of inadequacy in you, he or she will encourage and support you; helping to build your strengths while polishing your weaknesses. Does your partner share your happiness when you achieve your dreams in life. Otherwise, ask yourself where your relationship is headed and if it would be better to move on without him or her by your side.

Can we work it out?

Is it still possible to work through your conflicts? Are there still things left in the relationship that are worth salvaging? Despite your uncertainties about the relationship, it will most likely help if you try to resolve relationship problems in a healthy manner. Express your concerns, voice your needs, and apologise for whatever problems you have caused in the current situation. On the other hand, listen to your partner, give him or her enough time to work things out on his or her own, and respect his or her feelings. Furthermore look at yourself realistically and reflect on your own part in the dissolution of the relatonship. It is essential that you talk about your relationship together in a safe place. In doing so, you allow yourselves to examine the future direction of your relationship and may discover that you are still both willing to stick through together and give your relationship another chance.

Am I happy or sad most of the time?

There is no exact formula to a successful relationship. However, research has shown that there are recurring patterns and set of behaviours that makes for a happy, long-term partnership. It is the successful couples that can manage and get through the ups and downs of a relationship.

If most of your time spent together revolves around fights, your nights are filled with tears, and little arguments always lead to big blow-ups, it may be a bad sign. A healthy relationship has a balance of giving and receiving and of enjoyment and difficulty. . Every relationship comes with trials and tribulations, but they should not take away from the overall contentment in the relationship. If you no longer feel happy, you have every right to tell your partner about it. Being open about your needs will not only make you happier, but will let your partner know what you want and contribute towards the likelihood of working things out.

Do you have any chemistry left?

If you feel like that the chemistry in your relationship has worn off, talking about it is probably the best start. The missing spark between the two of you is not a justifiable reason for a breakup. If your personal and professional activities are responsible for neglecting to spend time with each other then you need to work on rediscovering the original charm in your relationship. If you think you are heading towards a breakup, take time to consider the worthwhile assets in your relationship and make space to talk and do things together

Devote time to making your partner feel special and wanted again as though you are in the early stages of the relationship. Small gestures can make a world of difference and help both of you to remember what it was that influenced you to make a commitment in the first place

Is this what I really want?

Ending a relationship out of anger, sadness or disappointment is an impulsive move that you can regret later. Rather than impulsively calling it quits, take things slowly, give yourself time and examine the situation. Wait until you are calm and have carefully weighed up the options. Breaking up with a person who you have loved is difficult, so before making a decision to end things, be very sure you are moving in the right direction and doing it for the right reasons.

For each of the questions above, take an honest appraisal of the current relationship. If, after doing all of the above and you are still suffering, you may give relationship psychotherapy a try. Consulting a professional counsellor will help you see the bigger picture and build a plan that will best resolve the problems you are currently facing in your relationship.

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How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Relationship?


Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. It arises when one person disagrees over the ideals, opinions, or needs of another – triggering strong emotions that can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort.

When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and breakups. It becomes destructive rather than constructive. However, when handled in a respectful, positive and healthy way, it provides the opportunity to enrich you and your partner’s understanding of one another, deepen the relationship and strengthen the bond between the two of you.

No matter how much you and your partner have in common, you cannot expect the two of you to be on the same page and agree on everything all the time. While it may seem impossible at first thought to resolve relationship conflicts every time they occur, you should not see conflict as a threat to your relationship, but as an opportunity and a sign of growth in a relationship.

Rather than fleeing and avoiding differences as they arise, learn how to resolve them without causing any emotional injury.

Pick Your Battles

Instead of making a mountain out of every little molehill in your relationship, weigh up whether the problem is really worthy of your time and energy. Conflicts can be utterly exhausting so agree to not to make something a battle unless it is seriously important. This doesn’t mean giving in to your partner’s decisions when it is something you feel strongly about. Choosing your battles all boils down to letting the unnecessary stuff go and coming to grips with the matter at hand.

Take a Break

Give yourself a time-out if you feel that you or your partner is too angry to deal with the problem at the time. Arguments can cause heightened emotions, making it difficult for both of you to come up with a wise decision. This is why physically giving yourself distance until you are calm and more self-controlled might sometimes be the best way to deal with the immediate situation. Stop and take a few breaths, but remember to come back to the discussion and sort things out at some later time.

Use Assertive Communication

State how you feel by using “I” messages to assume responsibility for how you feel, rather than “you” statements and blaming your partner’s faults. You might say, for example, “I feel alone whenever you come home late” rather than “You are so insensitive.” Make the distinction that you are upset with their actions and specific behaviour and not who they are as a person. Express what you want and need in a clear, direct, and respectful manner as though encouraging your partner to understand your feelings instead of him or her feeling as though they are being criticised or attacked and therefore needing to defend him or herself.

Stay in the Present

It is never a good idea to dredge up old issues from the past. If you do find yourself tackling issues from the past it is likely because those issues were never resolved in the first place. Try to keep your focus on what you can change today. Bring the problem out into the open by asking for what you need or refusing to do what you don’t want to or cannot do. Clarify to each other exactly what the conflict involves and clearly express what you each want. There are always two sides to the story so listen before you speak and understand before you decide to respond. Sometimes we need help in learning how to do this: that listening to someone else’s viewpoint doesn’t mean you have to give up your own world view. It just means you listen with curiosity to how the other person sees the world, and you do not have to agree with them. That way you can see them as separate; see them as an ‘other’ person – not as an extension of yourself. That may even allow for you to have some empathy for their way of seeing things. This in turn allows each one of you to feel heard and understood as well as ensures that you are both clear about the issues.

Do not Make Winning a Priority

Instead of always trying to win the argument, maintaining and strengthening your bond should always be your top priority. Do not try to be the person who is right in every conflict as this often ends up destroying the relationship. To effectively resolve relationship problems, make it a habit to come to an agreement that respect each other’s needs. Research shows that good relationships survive the same arguments over many decades. Two people who have a strong relationship can afford to disagree with each other as long as it is not accompanied by contempt. Contempt is one of the most destructive aspects of conflict.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship and there are a lot of healthy ways to solve it besides the aforementioned tips. If after all attempts have been made to solve a conflict, and the relationship continues to fall apart, it might be time to undergo relationship counselling to learn how to listen, acknowledge the other’s point of view, and decide how to accommodate that alternative point of view. Sometimes counselling can allow a third person’s mind to think about what is going on between two people and help bring about reconciliation.

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Tips for improving the intimacy in your life

Tips for improving the intimacy in your life

1. Confess a vulnerability.

Take a risk and confess a vulnerability or even something that you might have previously considered shameful about yourself and your feelings. It can be disarming and unthreatening if it is presented in a way that is confessional and confidential. It is easy for partners to hear revelations as criticisms and yet if you were to say that you felt fragile or insecure in a situation which wasn’t accusing your partner of a misstep or thoughtless move or word, it is likely to be heard in a very different way; heard as a partner wanting to get close and who is feeling safe enough to reveal hitherto hidden parts.

2. Be curious.

Be curious in a gentle, interested, and thoughtful way about something your partner tells you. It is so easy to dismiss the familiarity of what your partner tells you about their work, leisure, or activity with family and friends as though you’ve heard similar stories dozens of times before. By listening closely as though you have not heard what your partner has said before, will enable you to  see your partner in a fresh light; even perhaps see something you haven’t noticed before. This listening presence and deep interest without the usual cursory brief attention may encourage your partner to dig deeper and see themselves in a different light too. They even feel safe enough to open up more.

3.Do something unexpectedly kind.

An unprompted, unexpected kindness is one of the best gifts you can give your partner. Just as nastiness can result in tit for tat situations, kindness can result in similar acts. It opens the way for softness and generosity of spirit in a world that offers a great deal of hardness.

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Workshop for ex-members of high demand, manipulative, groups, religions, and relationships

CIFS former member workshop Flyer

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